A Quarter of a Century…

Well its been about 8 months since my last post. I just turned 25 and so much has changed. My last post I reflected on how I needed to focus on myself this year. I wasn’t feeling happy in my relationship with K and a few months back his other woman accidentally texted me instead of him so… I kicked him out. I’ve been on my own for about 3 months now and it feels…. like relief. Like when you are scared to rip a bandaid off because you know its going to be painful, but then the moment finally comes when its gone and you let out a long sigh because the pain wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Then you’re just happy its gone and you move on. The weird thing is that I thought I would cry… I thought there would be hysterical sobbing that kept me up at night. But there wasn’t. I actually slept better that night than I had in almost a year. When someone does something to hurt you, you never look at them the same. Once you cross the line in a relationship its nearly impossible to go back. Especially in my circumstance where I was the only one making any effort. My post from January is still true though; I’m ready to be my own knight in shining armor. Being alone is so much easier than I thought it would be and the only person I have to worry about pleasing is myself. It’s been different to have to be alone yet good in so many ways.

K took Lola. This was probably the only part of the breakup that made me sad. But my dad and I got a beautiful new full breed Siberian Husky that we named Azula. (Yes this is from Avatar The Last Airbender, if you happened to be wondering.) I’ve been enjoying being alone although I have been hanging out with a boy… but we’re going slow and he’s super patient so for now I’m just having fun with it.

My mom… whom I thought was in Florida living her own life and staying out of mine (just the way I like it) showed up at my front door on Thursday. (My birthday none-the-less.) My jaw hit the floor, bounced off my feet, and slammed back into my body. She wanted to “talk.” About 20 minutes into the most excruciating dinner you could imagine… she said “I want to know if we can be a family again.” My response to this was, “I want to know if you are ready to stop denying all the abuse you put me through.” Well… in perfect Mother fashion she starts flipping her lid. “You’re delusional. None of that ever happened. You were a pathological liar as a child and I see nothing has changed. I was sober your entire childhood and I remember every detail. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE YOUR LIFE DIFFICULT NOT ME.”

Well, I blew up… in front of a bunch of people at a clam shack; I let her have it. 25 years of name calling, abuse, and bullying all pent up inside me into this one epic culmination of screaming and swearing at her in front of all these people trying to enjoy their clam cakes. She stood there standing over me, squinting her eyes in disapproval and pursing those disgusting lips of hers and I fucking lost it. I stood up and shoved my food to the ground. I told her she couldn’t possibly remember the torture she put me through because she was black out drunk and how I felt sorry for her because she turned into the same monster her mother was. I let her know how I had no interest in having a mother in my life who is in denial of what happened and won’t even take the first steps to make amends. Then when she tried to but in I screamed over her “SHUT THE HELL UP” and just like that all eyes were on me. My cheeks singed with anger and embarrassment as my eyes started showing the pain I was trying to keep at bay. Now I was crying and screaming. I told her to get in her car and drive away and leave me at the clam shack because I would rather walk 4 miles home than ever be near her again. She had the gall to tell me that I had a bad mouth at 5 years old and that I deserved to be beaten for my mouth. I just kept screaming “LEAVE ME HERE” over and over until she left.

I had Krystal come pick me up, being the saint that she is and always rescuing me from my own sadness. She let me cry and bitch and then we went for a drive and did our favorite new hobby which is geocaching. My dad told me he was proud of me for standing up to her. He said she deserved every ounce of embarrassment and sadness she felt for what she had done to me. I love my dad for that. Any other father would lecture me about not screaming in public and how that wasn’t the time or place. Not my dad. He looked me in the eyes and said “That’s my girl.” I never felt such a weight leave my body. Granted at the time I was hysterically crying and pissed off and having flashbacks and wishing I could punch something breakable… but a few hours later I felt so calm. A little unsure of my self worth but otherwise calm. Sitting here now I feel calm, normally writing or talking about my mother leaves me in a hysterical lump on my bed, but I am able to sit here and write this with only a small tear. I’m not even sure if its from sadness or relief but its alone on my face and its comforting.

Even though I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year I still always felt a tiny pang of guilt. Like I should feel bad for not giving my own mother a second (maybe it was her tenth) chance. Well she showed up at my door and I went out to dinner with her and I gave her one last chance. She used this opportunity to bully my into submission once again and it backfired. I finally said all the things I’ve been holding inside and no longer feel any guilt. Not one single ounce of regret lingers in my body for her.

K moved out. My mother was denied her last opportunity to control me. I feel good. All thats left to focus on is me and what I want. I just need to figure out exactly what that means now.

xoxo August