January can be so cold.

My new years resolution at the beginning of January was a hefty task. I resolved to learn to love myself. To wake up each day and look in the mirror without judgment or hatred. I am normally full of such self loathing that I end up crying and beating myself up about every imperfection. So I vowed to be better to myself. I knew going into this that it was going to be an extremely hard and lengthy task. It is not a resolution I made on a whim, I had been doing a lot of thinking since before Christmas. If I can’t learn to treat myself right how can I expect anything else in my life to go right either? I can’t be my own worst enemy anymore. Nobody hurts me more than myself.

I’ve been struggling so hard lately with my depression and I’m too scared to go to therapy so I’ve taken it upon myself to be consciously aware of my actions. I’m allowing myself to indulge in the things I enjoy, forcing myself to in fact. Facial masks, nail paintings, pedicures, journaling, reading, candles, and relaxation. I can’t go on being all balled up and tense and angry all the time. It’s killing me. All I really want is to be happy and if I have to be my own knight in shining armor and ride off into the sunset alone then so be it.

I really want to dig deep and write something amazing but this is what’s going on with me right now and right now… its all I know.