“I’m fine.”

Have you ever just felt so dead inside because you’re trying to be something you’re not? Well… I am not happy. I’m depressed and miserable. Why do I waste so much time pretending I’m not? I know the answer to this and its honestly kind of sad. The reason I spend so much time pretending Im not depressed is because of the people around me. They will judge me or they won’t be able to handle it when the truth comes out and so for their sake, I pretend I’m fine. 

I wake up, have a hot cup of coffee, and put on my “I’m ok” face for work. In reality I am not ok. What I am is hopeless, unmotivated, lazy, sad, worrisome, full of despair, dark, mean, angry, loathsome, and gloomy. I’m afraid for anyone to know how depressed I am… so afraid even that I’m too scared to get professional help. I don’t know where to begin looking for a therapist or even if I want to look at all. I would have to share my inner most demons with some stranger… how do you even begin that process? “Hi I’m August and my deepest darkest secret is…” And it’s not like writing a blog, I share my secrets with strangers every day, but this would be different. This would be face to face. I would be held accountable, out loud in real life, for what I was saying and doing and how I was acting. I would be ripped open and exposed and possibly even feel worse about myself. I’m just not ready for that yet.

Even though I know deep down inside that I need help, theres always this little hope in me that one day I’ll reach a glorious epiphany and all my troubles will wash away with the tides. There’s also a part of me that knows I mustn’t be the only one who thinks that. I can’t be the only one who needs help and doesn’t want to find it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks they can solve their own problems, be their own knight in shining armor. If I am the only one who thinks this… well then I must be more fucked up than I realized. I just want to be there for myself. Love and support myself. But thats the problem in the first place isn’t it? I’m so full of self hatred and disgust that I can’t be happy. I can’t do those things that I need myself to do, and yet Im too cowardly to find someone who can. I keep telling everyone “I’m fine” when I’m not.

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2 thoughts on ““I’m fine.”

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I know what you mean by pretending to be fine. I think people who are depressed tend to be better at hiding the strong negative feelings they have, sometimes without realizing they’re doing it. It’s okay to be struggling with what to do about professional help. The first time I ever went I had to, very literally, be pushed in by a close friend. Everyone is different, but my experience with therapy was a lot better than I had played it out in my head. The hard part is finding motivation to go in the first place. Remember that when you’re depressed it makes you think everything will go wrong, but most likely therapy wouldn’t be so bad, even if you just try it once to see how the initial evaluation goes…

    Sorry for the longest comment, just trying to chip in. I know long I struggled with your same feelings and it’s very frustrating. I hope you feel better soon!

  2. I can understand you from two sides of the chair. I’m a grad student right now and a counseling intern. In May, I’ll be a licensed therapist. The hardest part is getting into an office. But if you’re not ready, then you’re simply not ready. No one can make you. In my own case, I was at a point where I knew I physically could not do it anymore. The darkness got a little too dark and the weight was pulling me under. I felt like I was giving up when I went in, but the experience was so valuable. The thing about therapy and seeking help from someone else isn’t that you’re immediately cutting yourself open to be analyzed by the person sitting in front of you. It’s you being brave as hell for coming in and sharing your story and working with that person to build yourself back up. Therapists offer you tools and support so that you can work on yourself – so that you can identify the feelings and work together to change the behaviors. It takes awhile to build that rapport and establish the therapeutic relationship; sometimes, you need to shop around for someone you feel really fits. Just remember that you have the right to request someone new or find someone elsewhere if you don’t feel they click with what you bring.

    If you do decide to go ahead and find a therapist, remember how admirable it is to be someone who lets a complete stranger it. Remember that you are braver than you can comprehend. Remember that you are letting your guard down, and raising the white flag, and saying, “okay, I’m ready to work with you and help myself.” Maybe you’ll reach that epiphany. Maybe you’ll click that switch. Maybe things will change. But if you need the extra support, if you feel like your world is crumbling, if you feel like you are barely gasping for air, there is hope and there is help. I wish you all the best.

    xx Jackie

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