I love writing. I may not be very good at it sometimes but sitting down and getting all of that emotion out of me, no matter what emotion it is, always feels good. So why when I’m depressed do I run from writing like the plague? It’s actually pretty simple now that I’ve given it some thought.
I feel like I’m not good enough.
When I’m down and feeling particularly sorry for myself I can’t bring myself to write… in any medium. Not paper, not blogging… I hide from words like a scared child. At my best I am still probably my most harsh critic. I write and rewrite things a million times over. Even then, when I hit publish I don’t feel like it was good. Or I tear the pages out of my notebooks while crying and listening to Taylor Swift and throw them in the trash where they can hide in the bottom of the can. And this is when I’m not depressed. When I am, though, I won’t even let myself try. Im afraid of what will come out. I know no matter how “good” it is that it’ll just be bad. I won’t like it. I’ll hate it. I’ll throw it out. Plus being depressed takes all my energy I don’t know if I could manifest something half way decent even if I did try.
That’s why I disappear. The funny thing about depression is… you’ll never know how long it’ll last. Sometimes I feel better after a day or two… and sometimes like recently, it’s been weeks since I was able to breath. When I come out of a depressive low it’s like starting life all over again. I have to take baby steps back into reality or I might end up spiraling back down. I usually don’t rush into things head on when I’m finally coming up for air but writing helps me breath. When I am starting to feel better, it’s usually the first thing I do.
I grab my computer, catch up on all the beautifully written words I’ve missed, and start writing again.