When it happened it was like opening my eyes. Fluttery and dark at first, and then the light started to come into focus. My surroundings began to take their shapes. I could sense familiarity here. It was like recognizing someone you knew when you were little, but now they were grown up and looked entirely different yet somehow exactly the same. They’re eyes and smile are what you remember; now surrounded by a more grown up, mature, and developed face.
When I found her, her hair was different. It was shorter and lighter. Her smile though was the same, not quite filling up the whole of her face when displayed. Her eyes were the same dark emerald green they had always been, but now they sparkled a little less, didn’t shine quite as bright as before. She dressed differently too. More adult-like and relaxed, but with the same odd flares here and there. If you looked at the whole picture of her, you might say she was a different person all together. And that was partly true.
Life is what changed her. She lost so many things; Hope, faith, desire, inspiration, motivation, creativity, longing, love, and mostly… she lost herself. She lost all the things that make her who she is. But the good part about it is that when you lose yourself, you can likely find it again. Maybe it will take a while, years even. Perhaps you will only gain back some of what has gone, but you will find those things none the less. Maybe when you find them they are different or come in new, unexpected ways. Even so that’s a good thing. You don’t want to end up finding the selfsame person that caused you to lose yourself in the first place.
All these things that make up who you are- well thats just it! They are inside of you. They are part of your core. They bond with your being on a molecular level. So maybe I lost my true self, it was happening so slowly I didn’t notice. On the way I lost all the things that make up who I am. Still, on the bright side… the climb out has reveled a lot about what I think I used to know about who I was. You have to put in a lot of time exploring the nasty, dirty, ugly, disgusting parts of yourself… to find your way back to the light.
I may not have found the light yet, but I found the way I need to get there. I’ve been exploring all of the parts of me, good and bad. I had no choice, because I got lost. I thought that finding myself again would be quick. No problem right? I’m right here aren’t I? The outside me is here, and now I see that. But finding the inside me is what I really need to do. Forget the surface, forget the me I present to the world. What about the me I present to myself? Who am I really? That’s the person I lost. The girl I can’t seem to locate. She’s also the woman I am starting to find.