Well I pulled a disappearing act. I was feeling entirely too overwhelmed with my life and I felt I couldn’t bother to spend the time writing about it because my thoughts were severely cluttered and unclear. I made several attempts to post something but I just cried until my eyes were sore and itchy.
As the school year ended I began a tiresome schedule of 8 hour Saturday meetings/ training sessions. During the waterfront training for camp I discovered I have a fear of murky lakes when I almost drowned during the swim test because I started having a panic attack when seaweed got tangled around my foot. We trained for Lost Betha Drills which means “drowning swimming drill.” Then on the very first day of camp a child went missing and we had to search the woods for her as well as do a water LBD. I was somewhat scarred from this experience. News flash… she was on the bus the whole time. So that was a big mess for no reason. The rest of summer camp was pretty normal. No one went missing, but spending all day in the heat, walking around with kids, playing with them, yelling at them, cleaning up their boo-boos… was pretty tiring. I felt physically and emotionally drained every day when I got home. And that’s how my life went for 7 weeks. My birthday was on August 13th… During the 8th week of camp. It poured rain all day and I spent the day cold and soggy. Then I got nailed in the face by a dodge ball. On my birthday… at work… in the rain. Needless to say I had my first “moment” at work. I was pissed at anyone who walked by me. Today marks the start of week 9, the final week of camp… hallelujah maybe there is a God. I did NOT go to work today because last night I went to the ER and got my infected ingrown toenail punctured and drained. Tomorrow I must go back to work and I am dreading every minute of it. It still hurts to put pressure on my toe and I don’t even know how I’m going to stick my fat, swollen big toe in a sneaker.
On a positive note:
I’ve been reading again. I always find that I fail to find pleasure in reading when I’m in a particularly down mood. However long it may last. Also, I moved… again. I still live with K. He’s done some serious soul searching and made changes for the better. No one’s perfect and I appreciate the improvements. The new apartment is an “in-law” style apartment with my dad living in the upper apartment. It’s a better living situation, by all definitions. It’s cheaper, it has a/c so we don’t have to sweat to death anymore, and there’s a pool. Swimming and being in the sun has actually improved my mood a lot. And there’s a lot more space for Lola as well. She is so well behaved, I almost think we have the wrong cat!
Anyways, I have some things to be happy about; but I still have worries and fears as well. I would say right now I’m comfortably neutral. And I’m OK with that for the moment.