Love and hate.

Seriously there is a fine line between the two. And it’s my personal belief once you cross over from love to hate there is no going back. No matter how much someone says I’m sorry or I love you. You can’t change the fact that looking at them disgusts you. Makes your insides crawl. You’d rather let them sleep all day so you can have peace and quiet in another room than wake them up to do stuff with you. How can you come back from such anger? I believe there is a strong passion behind hatred that cannot be revoked. Once you ignite that flame it only dwindles, never goes out.

Have you ever hated someone so much you’d rather die than spend another minute near them? Because I have. And I live with him every day. Sometimes we are civil and we get along. But that’s the extent to our niceties. When he says I love you I know it’s a lie. We fight too much for that to be true. And hearing him say those lying words makes bile rise up in my throat and I try to shove it back down again.

But I have no where to go. My abusive mother lives 3,000 miles away not to mention I don’t want to resort to that. And my dad is in a shifty situation himself. And unfortunately I don’t have a good enough job to be able to live on my own. I’m broke and broken. I have no money and I am not rich in happiness. I have nothing. All I have is anger and hatred and a life of fighting and lies and disgust.

Love and hate? The saying should be love OR hate. I don’t think it’s possible to love and hate something. It’s either one or the other.

A lesson learned.

So last Thursday I took an unexpected trip to the hospital. Well I guess technically it was Friday morning at 3am. I had been feeling unwell all day with a sore throat and sore body. I woke up in a panic because my back was killing me and I kept having to go pee. It was seriously an unreasonable amount of urine. I hadn’t been drinking excessively and even after I went to bed I kept having to go. Plus my throat was damn near swollen shut, anyways, I called my dad freaking out. He took me to the ER. I explained my symptoms and got admitted. Come to find out, I got the flu. But not just any flu… I have two types of flu at once. So that explains the crazy mixture of symptoms: sore throat, congestion, dehydration, fever, nausea, vomiting, frequent urination, muscle pain, weakness, and fatigue. I honestly thought I was having like bladder failure or something. I had so many symptoms it was scary.

Life isn’t like tv. On House, or ER, or Grey’s Anatomy you never see anyone come in with the common cold or just the flu. It’s always something rare and life threatening. The media over exaggerates sickness and diseases. The doctors at the hospital were telling me how many people come in with the sniffles and think they have ridiculous things wrong with them like brain tumors and shit when in reality they just have a cold. And some people who actually have serious things wrong don’t come in because they think it’s something simple.

I usually never go to the doctors when I feel sick because mostly I know it’s just a cold or whatever. But I had honestly never been that freaked out by my symptoms before. And I’ll admit I’ve been researching the Grey’s Anatomy series on Netflix and all I could think of was how I was having organ failure. That’s what led to my panicked attack about being sick. I mean I guess it’s rare to have two strains of the flu at once but he said the treatment is the same and it doesn’t cause any issues to be worried about.

I guess I learned my lesson! I made myself feel even worse by overreacting… which I tend to do fairly often. For now I will try my best to take things as they are and not exaggerate them in my head. And this can be applied to other things as well, like something someone might say that you read too much into or even a look someone gives you that probably wasn’t a look at all, just their face.  Over the past few months I’ve been feeling really angry at the whole world. Hating everyone and feeling sorry for myself is just tiring. I’m so miserable all the time. And I’m becoming so antisocial. People at work are always asking if I want to do something and I immediately look for a nice way to say no. I should really try to stop doing that. I’m just perpetuating my own misery.

I guess that’s all for now.

Ps. My cat is doing great, she’s growing up so much… being less crazy but still has her personality. She just came and nudged her way under my Kindle so she can sit in my lap then put her head in my hands so I can pet her. Such an attention whore she is :), but I don’t mind.

M.I.A.

Well I pretty much fell of the face of the earth, sorry about that. My hair is still green. I’ve spent at least $100 trying to fix it so it’s any color but green and nothing seems to work and I still haven’t been back to the gym since I disappointingly gained 10 pounds after working out faithfully for 3 weeks. My job still sucks, but at least I don’t work under the boss who I hate any more. I’ve been moved to 2 new sites, one site I’m just regular staff and another site I’m a supervisor because I’m filling in for a coordinator who had a really bad car accident. So my week gets split between the two, making for a less boring work week thanks to the frequent changes of scenery and accompanying change of title.

I got a new car!!!! Hallelujah. The old death trap is no more! My douche bag boyfriend can have that car so he can get his license and stop using me as a taxi. Anyways, my dad bought me a used Honda Accord. 1998. I love it. Automatic everything, air conditioning that works, a nicer sounding stereo, smoother ride, and decent to look at too. I can’t even express how grateful I am to him. And sometimes I wish I could really explain to him how much I love and appreciate everything he does for me but I don’t know how to say the words. I went over his house today and bought him dinner and hung out, which I know he loves more than anything. But I wish I could afford to do something really nice for him.

His ex-wife has decided to sell the house… after 6 years. So he really should be focusing on himself and not buying me a car but he did it anyways. I want so badly for him to find someone. I can tell he’s lonely. And I wish there was someone around to take care of him once in a while. I also wish I could afford to do things for myself so he didn’t feel like he had to. Father’s day is next month and I’ll have to save up and think of something nice for him.

Mother’s day is tomorrow and I couldn’t care less. My mom is just as big a bitch as ever. Always blaming me for her problems. Her drunk ass husband and getting laid off was apparently my fault. A couple weeks ago she texted me saying “I have to bang on people’s doors looking for work, this is what I’ve become.” Then she texts me a few days ago to say she won $9,500 from betting on the Kentucky Derby. Clearly her life isn’t that bad, down there getting a tan at her second home in Florida, meanwhile she has enough money to bet on a horse race.

It’s not fair. My dad is so much better than my mom. He’s good to me, the best dad in the whole world. And a good person too. He helped this poor old lady who fell in a parking lot in the pouring rain the other day, drove her home and everything. Then there’s my mother who won’t do anything for anyone unless they promise something in return. She’s such a cunt, excuse my language. And she’s over here winning money on a horse race. Boy the universe really knows how to feed an ago, doesn’t it? What about my dad? He doesn’t get nearly ten grand in prize money, he gets an eviction notice from his bitch ass ex wife. It really bothers me. And it’s not just my dad it seems like all the good people I know end up with unfair or unjust situations and all the assholes make it out by the skin of their teeth. It’s just not right.

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This is my dad!

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Lola's kisses 🙂