To me, from me.

The past few weeks have been a serious low. I’ve been extra sleepy, struggling with a cold, eating unhealthy, not caring how I look. Just lounging around when I’m not at work, moping in my sorrows. This past Sunday the weather was a bit nicer than its been recently. I didn’t really do much, but I did stuff I wanted to do. I watched one of my favorite shows on Hulu, I played some video games, I finished a good book (Stupid Children by Lenore Zion if you’re interested in cults), and I participated in a book club discussion for my book club. Really nothing so spectacular but stuff I all enjoy doing. Visited my dad shortly for about an hour or two and got my income tax check which helps release some of my financial worries for the time being. All in all a slow paced, relaxing, enjoyable day.

Before falling asleep Sunday night I was thinking to myself: I haven’t been in this calm of a mood in a while. I fell asleep that night rather quickly, which never happens. I usually lay awake tossing and turning for at least 45 minutes. I realized that having a day to just do the things I liked was amazing. It wasn’t particularly adventurous or exciting but literally every part of my day was enjoyable. I felt good. I felt like a candle that’s just been lit and starts to flicker to life as the flame devours the wick and emits a subtle warm glow. I literally felt like I was glowing. Dimly glowing. You probably couldn’t navigate the dark with my glow… But still, this was a serious improvement over my mood the past 3-4 weeks.

Today I decided to continue this pattern of treating myself. After my morning shift I had to stop at the grocery store for some ingredients for my dinner; while I was there I saw the most lovely peach colored rose and I bought it for myself. I just had to have it. I have always loved fresh flowers on the table which is something I never got much of as a child due to all my mother’s allergies. Something so small made me happy. I prepared dinner early, showered, and got dressed dressed for the first time in weeks. I dried and straightened my hair, I even wore a braid to pull my bangs over. Then I dressed in green for St. Patty’s day for work. Just a green shirt nothing crazy but it felt good to be festive. When I got home dinner was already ready as I had it slow cooking all day. Afterwards, on a complete random feeling I went to CVS and bought some nail polish. Came home, trimmed, filed, and buffed my nails and feet. Tomorrow I plan on painting them black, nude, and shimmery gold.

Tomorrow I also plan on exercising in the gym after my first shift. I packed a change of clothes in my back pack and put it near my work clothes. If I’m already there and I already have work out clothes then I will have no excuse not to do it, right? If I can keep myself in the same mindset as “treating myself” at the gym. I deserve a nicer body. I deserve to be healthier. It will be fun to go shopping when I lose weight! These are all things I need to keep in mind. I really hope I don’t chicken out tomorrow and not go. I mean what’s an hour? Nothing. That’s like 20 songs on my iPod. Easy.

I’m so tired of being miserable. I think I cry literally everyday. I have issues from my past that I need to work through but I can’t keep letting my physical health suffer as well. If both physical and mental health are suffering it’s going to be harder to better myself. If I can work towards one of those goals then perhaps I will have the courage to seek therapy for the other.

Anyways, my advice to all of you is don’t forget to pamper yourself, whatever it may be. You deserve it. You deserve to enjoy the little things (or the big things).

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