Oh how I’ve come to hate this word this week. On Thursday I had my first ever yearly work evaluation. I really thought I would get a good review. I honestly feel like I work my ass off for this damn place. I take bullshit and disrespect from children, then on top of that I get disrespect from the parents who raised them because apparently when the Supervisor of Morning Childcare tells you your child was misbehaving… she’s lying. Not to mention, last summer I planned out and ran two weeks of babysitting camp, which I planned last minute on my own time at home. Hours and hours of reading and planning and schedule making at home that I didn’t get paid for. Not to mention all the times I’ve stayed late or gone in early. Or all the arts and crafts I do so the place can be presentable to parents. Or how about that time when my bosses mom died right after I for promoted. So not only did I take over the morning program but during that same week I was suddenly in charge in the afternoon program and had to figure out how to orchestrate the kids enrichment programming with the Jr High. Or all the times I get sent to other sites to fill in for missing staff. But I guess I miscalculated my importance and performance at work.
My review was slightly less than terrible. There are several categories; i.e. innovation, responsibility, maturity, relationships, self development, etc. 1 being the worst and 5 being the best. I hardly got any score over 3. This plus some of the comments about me really pissed me off. One comment said:
…… has the knowledge and potential to be a great asset, however lacks the bravado to speak her mind and let her ideas be known.
This really upset me because I find that I almost always speak my mind at work. I always give input and ideas or suggestions but more often than not they get dismissed or shut down. So hence why this comment pissed me off. Not to mention this review was from last year until now, when I was newer and was also not the lead staff. A girl named Zinnia worked there as lead staff and she was obnoxiously loud and boisterous and always dominated attention. Plus everyone thought she was perfect so any time there was more than one suggestion on the table they favored hers over any one else’s which really agitated me. Another comment said that I should use better listening skills. Um excuse me? I have a degree in Psychology which would quite agree with the fact that I have been taught more extensive and in depth listening and communicating skills than most employees at the YMCA. And so that’s how the entire review went. Mostly 2.5 – 3.5 scores with very little positive comments. Annoying.
The day after the review though, Jake, my co-worker asked me how the review went. He admitted he got pretty much 3 to 3.5’s because he doesn’t go out of his way for the job. It’s known widely that he will always volunteer to go home ; he doesn’t want to be there if he doesn’t have to. Also when there are decisions that need to be made or things that need to be done he will hint to me to do them. But don’t get me wrong we get along great. Knowing him for a bit over a year I almost feel like he’s the brother I never wanted. We pick on each other and are always trying to one up each other. He blames me for his farts. I call him an ugly ginger (I don’t actually hate red heads I just like to annoy him.) I genuinely like him and like working with him and even look forward to it sometimes because we can have some pretty fun days.
Anyways, I told him that my evaluation was worse than his and all the bad stuff it said about me and he said “Well if it makes you feel better I think that’s bullshit because I work with you everyday and I think you do a great job. The kids love you, you’re strict but fair, and you are creative and good under pressure.” I was oddly touched by this. I felt a twinge in my heart when he said this. I think that because we pick on each other so much at work I never really felt like he gave two shits about me besides the fact that we work together. Not that I took it personally, I have this thing where I watch people when they think I’m not looking and I can tell by the way he acts with certain kids that he’s a good person. I think he’s like the only guy I’ve “admired” that was strictly in a friendly way. Anyways, I was taken aback by his seriousness regarding my performance at work. I always feel like people never really like me. They just fake it. Probably brought on by years of abuse from my mother and her constant reminders that I’m worthless and stupid and a no good bitch. But in that moment I felt liked. I felt honored at his disgust of my evaluation on my behalf. I guess it felt good to have someone else affirm that I do a good job at work, too. I always feel like I work so hard and it’s never good enough.
The review was on Thursday and Jake’s comment was on Friday. Thursday I remember being so mad, I cried when I drove home and the next day I literally had an anxiety attack driving to work because I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to crawl into bed and die. But then I talked to Jake and I just stopped caring. So what if I got a bad review? It’s just one person’s opinion. I didn’t get fired over it. The kids still like me. So thank you Jake, I will never admit this but I respect you and what you said to me meant more than you will ever know.