All I want.

All I want to see is darkness.
All I want to hear is the quiet thud of dirt burrying me alive.
All I want to taste is my own stale spit as my tounge dries out.
All I want to feel is earthworms wriggling around me.
All I want to smell is crisp, cool ground.

All I want to do is die.

Well… I did it.

After my post last week, I started going to the gym on Tuesday. So far since then I’ve been Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and I did cardio at home on Saturday as well as walked around shopping for 4 hours Saturday night. Sunday was my rest day. I just got back from my sixth day at the gym. My body is so sore but it feels worth it. I don’t get sleepy in the early afternoon anymore. It’s easier for me to stay up past dinner time. I feel less irritable at work.

When I went shopping I spent about $250 dollars. I bought myself some nice sports bras, some workout clothes, and a sweet pair of Nike’s for the gym. The Nike’s were about $70 bucks but my feet need a good pair of shoes. I have flat feet and my whack Champion sneakers make my feet sore and my right foot goes numb a little bit. So event though I spent a lot of money I spent it on things I really needed… I also bought myself a new purse because I needed a new one and it was a little reward for myself.

There’s been some changes at work too. They are moving me to another site. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Of course I will miss my kids but I can’t wait to escape the torment of my over working, under appreciative boss. My new boss is a girl about 2 years older than me and she’s really cool. She has a lot of good ideas, she doesn’t make her employees do her work. She’s much more organized and personable. I start at that site today. So I’m in a really good mood post-work out.

The next step to weight loss and being healthy is to start eating healthier. I don’t have to be a total health nut but I’m going to start by making healthier decisions. Smaller portions to start with and fresh vegetables instead of canned or frozen. Buy healthier snack food. Etc.

Anyways I’m so tired right now I don’t even know what else to write about. Haha. I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed with the long road ahead of me. But I haven’t had this much determination since well… ever. Hoping I keep this up.

To me, from me.

The past few weeks have been a serious low. I’ve been extra sleepy, struggling with a cold, eating unhealthy, not caring how I look. Just lounging around when I’m not at work, moping in my sorrows. This past Sunday the weather was a bit nicer than its been recently. I didn’t really do much, but I did stuff I wanted to do. I watched one of my favorite shows on Hulu, I played some video games, I finished a good book (Stupid Children by Lenore Zion if you’re interested in cults), and I participated in a book club discussion for my book club. Really nothing so spectacular but stuff I all enjoy doing. Visited my dad shortly for about an hour or two and got my income tax check which helps release some of my financial worries for the time being. All in all a slow paced, relaxing, enjoyable day.

Before falling asleep Sunday night I was thinking to myself: I haven’t been in this calm of a mood in a while. I fell asleep that night rather quickly, which never happens. I usually lay awake tossing and turning for at least 45 minutes. I realized that having a day to just do the things I liked was amazing. It wasn’t particularly adventurous or exciting but literally every part of my day was enjoyable. I felt good. I felt like a candle that’s just been lit and starts to flicker to life as the flame devours the wick and emits a subtle warm glow. I literally felt like I was glowing. Dimly glowing. You probably couldn’t navigate the dark with my glow… But still, this was a serious improvement over my mood the past 3-4 weeks.

Today I decided to continue this pattern of treating myself. After my morning shift I had to stop at the grocery store for some ingredients for my dinner; while I was there I saw the most lovely peach colored rose and I bought it for myself. I just had to have it. I have always loved fresh flowers on the table which is something I never got much of as a child due to all my mother’s allergies. Something so small made me happy. I prepared dinner early, showered, and got dressed dressed for the first time in weeks. I dried and straightened my hair, I even wore a braid to pull my bangs over. Then I dressed in green for St. Patty’s day for work. Just a green shirt nothing crazy but it felt good to be festive. When I got home dinner was already ready as I had it slow cooking all day. Afterwards, on a complete random feeling I went to CVS and bought some nail polish. Came home, trimmed, filed, and buffed my nails and feet. Tomorrow I plan on painting them black, nude, and shimmery gold.

Tomorrow I also plan on exercising in the gym after my first shift. I packed a change of clothes in my back pack and put it near my work clothes. If I’m already there and I already have work out clothes then I will have no excuse not to do it, right? If I can keep myself in the same mindset as “treating myself” at the gym. I deserve a nicer body. I deserve to be healthier. It will be fun to go shopping when I lose weight! These are all things I need to keep in mind. I really hope I don’t chicken out tomorrow and not go. I mean what’s an hour? Nothing. That’s like 20 songs on my iPod. Easy.

I’m so tired of being miserable. I think I cry literally everyday. I have issues from my past that I need to work through but I can’t keep letting my physical health suffer as well. If both physical and mental health are suffering it’s going to be harder to better myself. If I can work towards one of those goals then perhaps I will have the courage to seek therapy for the other.

Anyways, my advice to all of you is don’t forget to pamper yourself, whatever it may be. You deserve it. You deserve to enjoy the little things (or the big things).

Evaluation.

Oh how I’ve come to hate this word this week. On Thursday I had my first ever yearly work evaluation. I really thought I would get a good review. I honestly feel like I work my ass off for this damn place. I take bullshit and disrespect from children, then on top of that I get disrespect from the parents who raised them because apparently when the Supervisor of Morning Childcare tells you your child was misbehaving… she’s lying. Not to mention, last summer I planned out and ran two weeks of babysitting camp, which I planned last minute on my own time at home. Hours and hours of reading and planning and schedule making at home that I didn’t get paid for. Not to mention all the times I’ve stayed late or gone in early. Or all the arts and crafts I do so the place can be presentable to parents. Or how about that time when my bosses mom died right after I for promoted. So not only did I take over the morning program but during that same week I was suddenly in charge in the afternoon program and had to figure out how to orchestrate the kids enrichment programming with the Jr High. Or all the times I get sent to other sites to fill in for missing staff. But I guess I miscalculated my importance and performance at work.

My review was slightly less than terrible. There are several categories; i.e. innovation, responsibility, maturity, relationships, self development, etc. 1 being the worst and 5 being the best. I hardly got any score over 3. This plus some of the comments about me really pissed me off. One comment said: 

…… has the knowledge and potential to be a great asset, however lacks the bravado to speak her mind and let her ideas be known.

This really upset me because I find that I almost always speak my mind at work. I always give input and ideas or suggestions but more often than not they get dismissed or shut down. So hence why this comment pissed me off. Not to mention this review was from last year until now, when I was newer and was also not the lead staff. A girl named Zinnia worked there as lead staff and she was obnoxiously loud and boisterous and always dominated attention. Plus everyone thought she was perfect so any time there was more than one suggestion on the table they favored hers over any one else’s which really agitated me. Another comment said that I should use better listening skills. Um excuse me? I have a degree in Psychology which would quite agree with the fact that I have been taught more extensive and in depth listening and communicating skills than most employees at the YMCA. And so that’s how the entire review went. Mostly 2.5 – 3.5 scores with very little positive comments. Annoying.

The day after the review though, Jake, my co-worker asked me how the review went. He admitted he got pretty much 3 to 3.5’s because he doesn’t go out of his way for the job. It’s known widely that he will always volunteer to go home ; he doesn’t want to be there if he doesn’t have to. Also when there are decisions that need to be made or things that need to be done he will hint to me to do them. But don’t get me wrong we get along great. Knowing him for a bit over a year I almost feel like he’s the brother I never wanted. We pick on each other and are always trying to one up each other. He blames me for his farts. I call him an ugly ginger (I don’t actually hate red heads I just like to annoy him.) I genuinely like him and like working with him and even look forward to it sometimes because we can have some pretty fun days.

Anyways, I told him that my evaluation was worse than his and all the bad stuff it said about me and he said “Well if it makes you feel better I think that’s bullshit because I work with you everyday and I think you do a great job. The kids love you, you’re strict but fair, and you are creative and good under pressure.” I was oddly touched by this. I felt a twinge in my heart when he said this. I think that because we pick on each other so much at work I never really felt like he gave two shits about me besides the fact that we work together. Not that I took it personally, I have this thing where I watch people when they think I’m not looking and I can tell by the way he acts with certain kids that he’s a good person. I think he’s like the only guy I’ve “admired” that was strictly in a friendly way. Anyways, I was taken aback by his seriousness regarding my performance at work. I always feel like people never really like me. They just fake it. Probably brought on by years of abuse from my mother and her constant reminders that I’m worthless and stupid and a no good bitch. But in that moment I felt liked. I felt honored at his disgust of my evaluation on my behalf. I guess it felt good to have someone else affirm that I do a good job at work, too. I always feel like I work so hard and it’s never good enough.

The review was on Thursday and Jake’s comment was on Friday. Thursday I remember being so mad, I cried when I drove home and the next day I literally had an anxiety attack driving to work because I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to crawl into bed and die. But then I talked to Jake and I just stopped caring. So what if I got a bad review? It’s just one person’s opinion. I didn’t get fired over it. The kids still like me. So thank you Jake, I will never admit this but I respect you and what you said to me meant more than you will ever know.

A little good, a little bad.

It’s March! I’m finally settling into the new apartment, literally everything is put away or hung up except this one mirror. It feels good to know everything is in its place (my inner OCD coming out). The people here are so pleasant. So far I’ve met the people who live in the first floor apartments. There’s Jude and her husband who’s name I didn’t get yet. They are an adorable old couple, the guy looks like the old guy from Up, which is a lovely sad Disney movie if you didn’t know. Then in the other apartment is a woman named Lisa, who I met today while I was waiting for her to get her laundry. I’ve also met this nice Russian lady from the second floor named Olga and her son Oliver, I also met her husband for a brief moment but I didn’t catch his name. The other second floor apartment remains a mystery so far. Then on the third floor next to us is a kind and bubbly woman named Rene, who’s mother is Jude from the first floor. I am entirely jealous of Rene getting to have her mom and dad right there. Not the mom part, I’d only like to have my dad live close. As a matter of fact there’s an apartment for rent in the other building of these apartments that I keep telling my dad to check out. Hahaha, he’d be so annoyed at how much I bugged him although I know he would take full advantage of living so close to my Xbox.

I don’t have to work much this week. K has his wisdom teeth surgery on Tuesday so I took off 2 mornings and 1 afternoon so I can help him for the first 2 days of post care. Honestly I don’t mind missing work so much. I’ve been feeling really down lately and I’ve been wanting to read but I haven’t found the time for it. There’s also something I wish to write a post about but haven’t had the proper time to give it some thought. I’m hoping he will mostly be sleeping and I can just mosey about for the day.

I haven’t been feeling well lately. I feel like I’m just deteriorating. My body always aches or I always feel sick. My foot constantly hurts because I have flat feet and it’s my belief I’ve developed plantar fasciitis. Then once in a while my knee acts up from when I got in a car crash and ripped the muscles that hold your knee cap in place. Moving upwards there’s my lower back which constantly throbs. My neck and shoulders though are the most persistently painful part of my body. I carry a lot of tension in my neck and I’m always tense in the throat. I’m constantly stretching, bending, and cracking my neck to get a few minutes of relief. My body felt so much better in general when I was doing yoga but after how much pain I was in from the move I stopped doing it for a while and haven’t gotten back to it, which I need to do. Then there’s the migraines. This is what’s been effecting me lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been using my glasses more (usually I wear contacts) or if it’s stress or even a combination of both. Four out of five work days last week I had a migraine and I had one briefly last night that was even more painful… then I had another one today. I don’t feel like going to a doctor, I never do. They always tell me I’m fat like I don’t already know. “Your weight is an issue, you should really work on that.” “Wow Dr, I didn’t even realise this, thanks for pointing it out.” Do they think I’m stupid? They never suggest anything helpful. Last time I went to a doctor he didn’t even fix the problem I went there for. Got some antibiotics that didn’t work and he didn’t seem to be too worried that my ears still throb and bother me almost two years later. Not that I don’t like the guy, he’s honestly one of the least annoying doctors I’ve ever had. I just hate going knowing my weight will be talked about. For the millionth time.

Chaos. This is the word I use to describe my life right now. So much is going on, at work, at home, with my friends, inside myself. In all honesty, it sucks.