Flooding is a type of psychological therapy where one immerses ones self right into the thing that is causing them fear or pain. Does this count if your whole life causes you pain?! That’s why I am here. I feel as though I’ve been drowning more than “flooding.”
For a long time now I’ve always imagined that my life was a horrible mistake made by the universe, and I was really supposed to be someone else, someone more attractive, someone smarter, more creative, more profound and genius. When I dream, I see this girl and she’s so healthy and beautiful and strong but then I wake up and look in the mirror and I’m disappointed that my dream and reality aren’t even CLOSE! I don’t like myself sometimes (most of the time) and I’m excruciatingly annoyed with the world around me.
Why? Because… Honestly, I don’t even know. There are things that have happened to me in my past that I can’t seem to move on from; I’m afraid of them happening again so I won’t let go. I tell myself that remembering those things will keep them from happening again. But it all just turns into this sickening self-fulfilling prophecy that always ends in me being miserable and crying about how much I hate my life.
I guess this is my first step towards changing all that. I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to, anyone who truely understands the whole of my despair. A couple of my friends know a bit here and a bit there. And sometimes they are there for me. But there’s always the fear that if I let them in, ya know… Deep down “in” where all the monsters and skeletons hide… they won’t get it. And then they’ll judge me. And then they won’t be my friend anymore.
So that’s where you come in, lovelies. I’m going to flood myself of that fear. I’ll let in a bunch of random strangers who will in all honesty judge me more harshly than my friends would. But maybe some harsh criticism is what I need to light a fire in my pathetically dull and sad life.
xoxo – August